When I was pregnant with the twins I wondered how I’d feel as a new mom:
After waiting and hoping for these babies for so long, would getting up in the middle of the night feel like a chore?
How would my relationship with my husband change?
Would I feel like I wanted help? Or would I be able to do it all on my own?
What would it feel like being a mom after infertility?
Would the babies bring the joy that I hoped for?
Would I do anything different?
Now that it’s been 5.5 months since I’ve given birth, I can now answer these questions! (I’ve always strived to be real in my blog, so I am hoping my honesty doesn’t offend anyone)
I remember potty training my dog when he was a puppy and thought it might be the same. I was so wrong. In the beginning, getting up in the middle of the night was downright painful because I’d get 45 minute stretches of sleep. Getting up didn’t feel like a chore, but it was certainly painful.
There’s some statistic that parents of multiples are more likely to divorce. And now… I can see why! Sleep depravation, crying babies and differing parental views make for a stressful mix.
Next on the list of questions was help. I didn’t know if I wanted help. I realize now how stupid this was. These days, I am thankful if I’m given the go ahead to take a shower. I have been by myself with the babies for no more than 48 hours since they’ve arrived home (they’re 5.5 months now!)
Life after infertility has been a mix of feeling like I’m any other mom, and moments of profound awe. There are moments where I feel guilty because I am not present enough for the twins. There was a day when I was crying to a friend saying that I just needed a break. Visiting friends often say things like “don’t you think it’s all gone by so fast?” and to be honest, I have no insight yet about time, it’s fast and slow all at the same time.
And finally, have the babies brought the joy that I thought they would. And the answer is yes. When I spoke of having kids one day, it was Evan and Lauren who I was referring to. When I prayed for babies, it was these two. Sometimes I have to pinch myself.
Miracles do happen.