This email to a friend pretty much summarizes what I was thinking on Saturday which was 4 days past 5 day transfer, I was incredibly anxious, stressed and restless:
I am doing okay (read: totally NOT okay)…today is 4 days past 5 day transfer. The last time I did IVF and was pregnant for a few days, I did feel some pulling and pressure in my uterus for 5 days after transfer. I could just feel that something magical was happening, that life was happening inside. I don’t feel anything this time around. My boobs feel absolutely normal. I know it may be too early to tell anything since my body hasn’t started producing the pregnancy hormone on its own yet. Since we transferred 3 blastocysts, the odds should be on my side that implantation of at least one of them will occur since getting pregnant has never really been my problem, but I can’t help but feel, oh I don’t know, sad that I don’t feel anything yet. I really hope I start vomiting real soon so it can ease my mind. I’ve never experienced morning sickness before and I am looking forward to it like you wouldn’t believe.
So that night, I decided it was time to break out the home pregnancy test. I laid it out the night before so I wouldn’t wake my husband in the morning while I tested.
I have been peeing extremely frequently, like getting up 2-3 times a night, so at midnight, I decided it was go time.
5dp5dt pregnancy test result: Faint positive.
My husband heard me in the washroom and asked what I was doing. I told him I was just testing, and he didn’t even ask me what the result was until the next morning! When I told him it was a positive, I said it in a really flat-tone, no hugging, no cheers, just “it was positive”, and he didn’t say anything. Well he wanted to make sure that I took a cab home from acupuncture the day of transfer. But that’s how it goes when you’ve gone through the roller coaster of recurrent chemical pregnancies. You’re scared to be happy because the fall from happiness is too great a jump. The positive pregnancy test at least put my mind at ease and I was less restless for the day. I stayed in bed and watched the Titanic, the longest movie I could think of. It’s been 17 years since I last watched that in the theatres, and I was surprised at how good it is even to this day!
Later in the day at 5dp5dt I started to feel these 10 second episodes/waves of period-like cramps, complete with lower back pain.
The last time I did IVF I thought I’d rather have a BFN than suffer another loss. Well we ended up having another chemical pregnancy, but this time I am thankful for the opportunity at a pregnancy. Our PGS results show that I don’t have a glaring chromosomal problem that would render the majority of our blasts abnormal. So this means if this IVF fails due to another chemical, we’d be ready to move on from my uterus. I am learning more and more about surrogacy these days.
6dp5dt pregnancy test result: faint but darker positive
I’ve been keeping my pregnancy tests in the spare bedroom hidden away from my husband. Every so often I peek in on them as if they’re my sleeping children.
I emailed the clinic to tell them about the positive result and the fact that I’d like my thyroid retested tomorrow. I figure if I miscarry, I’d like to know what my thyroid level was during the critical time. I know this may all sound very pessimistic, but I feel like I’m being my own advocate, this is the info I wish I had during my first IVF and more information is better than less information.
They responded and said that I could get my first beta done at the same time.
Please, please, please…let this be the one that makes it.