Feeling myself again

Nothing could have prepared me for the fallout that followed our first failed IVF cycle that ended in a chemical pregnancy. 

Every injection was like an injection of hope, every bruise, and needle prick, felt like I was working for this. I convinced myself I could earn my way to pregnancy through sheer work ethic. Not only that, but I had done everything right and taken every precaution. $330 for an intralipid session? Yep, sign me up. Aspirin, injectable blood thinners, yes, please add them to the tab. I was on everything imaginable to treat every condition I could possibly have. I had used up the last resort, my two aces that I had saved in my back pocket, and I was no further ahead. If I were to summarize it all in one short sentence, it would be this: I lost hope. 

That is a horrible place to be, and that was then, and this is now. I am happy to write that I am so much better today than I was just over a month ago. (THANK YOU ladies for your support and encouragement throughout this roller coaster! I seriously mean that from the bottom of my heart). I am feeling myself again, and best of all, feeling ALIVE. I have the ability to look forward to things and have hope in the future again.

One thing that made me really happy last week was that I thought we had spent $18,000 on our IVF cycle, when in fact it was only $14,000. I was looking over the 4 page bill, and noticed they charged the deposit as an invoice not a credit memo, so it inflated the final bill by the $4000 deposit. Strange accounting practice, but a happy discovery for me! Oh, and I’ve been engrossed in watching one episode of Breaking Bad with the Mr. every night and it’s a fun routine even though the show really stresses me out. We break out popcorn and pretend it’s a movie. 

Right now, I’m sipping wine while listening to christmas music by the fire.

Life is good.





5 thoughts on “Feeling myself again

  1. It is a terrible place to be-without hope. I’m so glad you’re finding strength and know its a process 🙂 I’m also happy you spent less.. That is quite a chunk. Wine and Christmas music sound great! I’ll continue to think about you. Hugs.

  2. I have been thinking about you. I continue to be truly amazed by women who have the strength that others can’t comprehend. You are inspirational. So happy to hear you are doing better. Hugs Jen 🙂

  3. You’ve been on my mind so much. I am so happy to hear you are feeling better, this makes me smile. I wish I had your strength and tenacity, you are truly inspirational. Sending love xxx

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