Yearning for Conception: The Art of Waiting

There are times you read something so amazing that you MUST share it. Actually this feeling rarely occurs to me, so this is really something special.

This profound, beautifully articulated, moving piece about coming to terms with infertility was written by Belle Boggs and originally from Orion Magazine:

Here’s just the beginning:

The Art of Waiting

IT’S SPRING WHEN I REALIZE that I may never have children, and around that time the thirteen-year cicadas return, burrowing out of neat, round holes in the ground to shed their larval shells, sprout wings, and fly to the treetops, filling the air with the sound of their singular purpose: reproduction. In the woods where I live, an area mostly protected from habitat destruction, the males’ mating song, a vibrating, whooshing, endless hum, a sound at once faraway and up-close, makes me feel like I am living inside a seashell.

Near the river, where the song is louder, their discarded larval shells—translucent amber bodies, weightless and eerie—crunch underfoot on my daily walks. Across the river, in a nest constructed near the top of a tall, spindly pine, bald eagles take turns caring for two new eaglets. Baby turtles, baby snakes, and ducklings appear on the water. Under my parents’ porch, three feral cats give birth in quick succession. And on the news, a miracle pregnancy: Jamani, an eleven-year-old female gorilla at the North Carolina Zoo, is expecting, the first gorilla pregnancy there in twenty-two years.

I visit my reproductive endocrinologist’s office in May and notice, in the air surrounding the concrete and steel hospital complex, a strange absence of sound. There are no tall trees to catch the wind or harbor the now incessant cicadas, and on the pedestrian bridge from the parking deck everyone walks quickly, head down, intent on making their appointments. In the waiting room, I test the leaf surface of a potted ficus with my fingernail and am reassured to find that it is real: green, living.

Read the entire piece here:

Yearning for change

The last few weeks have been challenging. It seems like the lives of those around me are changing at a rapid pace, while mine remains unchanging. Still. 

It’s the change that is hard. I am fine seeing my best friend who has two kids, but she just gave birth to a third and it’s the change that is difficult to handle. I am desperate for change..

We went to dim sum with hubby’s friends on the weekend and whom we haven’t seen for a while. Lots have changed in their lives, their children are now 2 and 5, and when they got around to asking “How are YOU guys doing?” my unexpected response was a flowing of tears. Awkward. I couldn’t help it. 

I need a plan, something to look forward to, but right now I’m in a waiting game to determine what our next steps are. Hubby won’t even talk about IVF until we understand why I’ve been having the miscarriages. Will IVF help if I have endometriosis? I don’t know. I am hoping to have answers next week. 

Blocked Tube

Turns out that I had a blocked tube all along. The first clinic did a HSG which is not the gold standard of testing for open tubes. So I have a blocked tube, but WHY?? The only thing I can pinpoint it to is endometriosis. All the other test results came out fine, no infections etc. 

So now I’m waiting for next steps. My next appointment is September 4th and I’ll be armed with a list of questions.